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WAR & PEACE REPORT ...
Hosted by award-winning journalists Amy Goodman and Juan Gonzalez
*Thursday, August 2nd, 2007: Listen/Watch entire show. Click here to buy today's show at our online store.
Welcome to Democracy Now , democracynow.org, the War and Peace report.
I'm Amy Goodman with Juan Gonzalez. Tonight we have a special evening.
In fact, it is unprecedented in our long history of unbiased news and interviews.
Never have we assembled such a cast of heroes of the progressive movement, both living and dead to bring you our own special brand of news.
Our first guest is the esteemed MIT Professor of linguistics, Dr. Noam Chomsky.
Amy: Good evening Dr. Chomsky
Noam: Good evening, call me Noam.
Amy: All right, Noam, Thanks for coming.
Noam: My pleasure.
Amy: Noam, I would like to ask you, your parents were Hebrew teachers and you yourself speak fluent Hebrew.
Noam: Yes, this is true.
Amy: Yet, you have you become one of Israel's staunchest critics. Why is that?
Noam: Amy, it's very simple. Very early in life, I realized that there is no God, and since I realized that, I believe all the world's Jews should give up their religion and heritage and kneel down to their true messiah, Karl Marx. And maybe then, they will join the worldwide revolution to kill all the rich people, using non-violent direct action, of course.
Amy: Wow, you have it all figured out, don't you?
Noam: Yes, I think I do, and Thank God (oops), I have tenure.
Amy: Good night and thanks for coming
Noam: The pleasure is always mine
Amy: Ladies and gentlemen, our next guest is the esteemed DePaul University political science professor Dr. Norman Finkelstein. Good evening Dr. Finkelstein.
Norman: Good evening Amy, it's a pleasure to be here, call me Norman. And before we start, I would like to thank you for being about the first person you see on the Democracy Now homepage.
Amy: Norman, You're welcome. You are one of my favorite progressive activists. I am really sorry to hear that you were denied tenure at DePaul.
Norman: Yes, Amy, I am very upset about it.
Amy: Do you have any ideas about why this happened?
Norman: Amy, I really don't understand it. I got a job at a Catholic university. I spent every waking moment telling young impressionable Catholic students that Israel is the most evil nation on earth. That in fact it is so evil that it can't be fixed. It needs to be liquidated.
Then, I told them that a "small percentage of Jews" have hijacked the American Government, Media and Business community and were lying to them about EVERYTHING.
And that Israel had nothing to do with Judaism, even though forty percent of the world's Jews lived there. Then I traveled to Germany and Austria and went on the radio and told them that "Zionists" were sucking their blood from reparations, creating inflation and unemployment. My late mother, may she rest in peace, was very proud of that.
Amy: Wow, that is what I call peace activism!!!!
Norman: Then I told them that Jews are not allowed to commemorate their own history until every Arab in the world is 100% happy.
Amy: Yes, Norman, I agree with you, one hundred and ten percent. On Democracy Now, we never discuss Jewish history unless we are complaining about Israel. That way we don't offend our Arab, Muslim or progressive viewers.
Now, what went wrong with your application for tenure?
Norman: Well, I don't really know. They really liked me for six years. And then a lot of Jews complained.
Amy: Damn, I hate when that happens.
Norman: I believe Jewish people are not allowed to be offended by anything, except the actions of the Israeli government or Jewish republicans. Anything else is Neo-conservatism.
Amy: I agree. So, what plans do you have now?
Norman: I am not sure. I think I am going to try to find a university with an Anti-Israel studies department.
Amy: Don't worry; there are plenty of those. Have you tried Berkeley?
Norman: No, not yet. But I will.
Amy: Goodnight and good luck.
Norman: Goodnight and thanks for having me.
Ladies and Gentlemen, our next guest is the late revolutionary leader Pol Pot. We raised him in a séance with the help of Gus Hall.
Amy: Good Evening Mr. Pot
Pot: Actually, it is Mr. Pol, We have that backwards in Asia.
Amy: Sorry, I apologize, Mr. Pol.
Pot: That is all right, it is a pleasure to be here.
Amy: Mr. Pol, you have been trying to reach us for a while. Why is that?
Pot: Amy, I have a complaint. I rid my homeland of 2 million counter-revolutionaries, and my name doesn't even come up on your Democracy Now search box.
Amy: Mr. Pol, we, didn't blame you for that, but we do have several articles on how that minor incident in Cambodia that everybody blames you for was really the fault of a short, fat Jew named Henry Kissinger, along with his friends Reagan and Thatcher. Let's just keep it at that, between you and me, alright?
Pot: Sounds good.
Amy: Good night and thanks for coming
Pot: Thanks, my pleasure, anytime. Heaven is getting on my nerves. I never get to kill anyone and Stalin and Trotsky just argue and argue.
Amy: Ladies and Gentlemen, our next guest is the honorable William P. Rogers. He was secretary of state for Richard Nixon during the height of the Vietnam War. Good evening Mr. Rogers.
Bill: Good evening Amy, call me Bill.
Amy: All right, Bill, I heard you have a complaint about Democracy Now.
Bill: Yes Amy, I do. I called up my predecessor Dean Rusk and he and I scoured your website's search box and there is no one mention of either one of us. And there is not one article about Cyrus Vance. And there are 119 entries about Henry Kissinger. What's up with that? I was the Secretary of State during the Vietnam War for god's sake. You must have some volunteer intern who can write something bad about me? I think you hate Episcopalians?
Amy: No Bill, I don't hate Episcopalians, only Episcopalians who disagree with my politics. And besides, almost every conspiracy theory goes back to Henry Kissinger. It must be his accent. Goodnight!!!!
Amy: Our next guest is the President of Egypt
Mr. Hosni Mubarak
Good evening, Mr. Mubarak
Hosni: Good evening
Amy: Mr. Mubarak, I just want you to know that I think your government is hopelessly corrupt, tortures people and is an enemy of good people everywhere.
Hosni: Ms. Goodman, why the harsh treatment?
Amy: Because you are allied with the evil, imperialist American government and have a so-called "peace treaty" with the evil Zionist empire.
Hosni: But Amy, my staff told me you are Jewish?
Amy: Yes, Mr. Mubarak, I was Jewish. But Dr. Chomsky convinced me to abandon my religion and heritage and join the worldwide revolution to kill all the rich people, using non-violent direct action, of course. And my beloved grandmother, Sonia Bock, lived to be 108. Her last dying words were, " I only wish I could have lived long enough to see the Egyptian army liberate occupied Tel Aviv", using non-violent direct action, of course.
Hosni: I am like, so confused!!!!!
Amy: President Mubarak, I pray everyday, to my true messiah, Karl Marx that you are deposed as soon as possible, using non-violent direct action, of course. I am sure Egypt will be a much better place after you are gone. GOODNIGHT!!!!! (CLICK)
Amy: Our next guest is one of my personal heroes.
I am sure you all know the peace activist and revolutionary, Mumia-Abu Jamal.
Good Evening Mumia, how are things on death row?
Mumia: Actually, I am not on death row. My sentence was commuted to life in prison by a white racist judge representing the racist, fascist, and imperialist apartheid police state we currently suffer with.
Amy: Yes, I agree
Mumia: In addition, the white racist police officer that I DIDN'T KILL was a fascist, imperialist, racist bigot. I was the victim of racial stereotyping by a drunk Irishman. And my Jew-lawyer, Eliot Grossman, poorly represented me in that kangaroo court. He is a member of the Zionist conspiracy.
Amy: I agree.
Mumia: The last thing we need are white racist police officers and their Negro lackeys coming into the inner city and shooting our brothers and sisters. We do a fine job of that ourselves.
Amy: Yes, you certainly do. So, Mumia, have you heard about my new "Goodman Rule" about racism in real estate?
Mumia: No, Amy, I haven't.
Amy: It's very simple; if white people move away from African-Americans they are racists. If they move closer to African-Americans, they become racist real estate speculators.
Amy: And then there is the "Goodman Rule" of food and nutrition. When poor people don't have enough food, they are victims of exploitation by evil capitalist multinational food conglomerates. And when poor people eat too much and become obese, they become victims of exploitation by evil capitalist multinational food conglomerates.
Mumia: Wow, that is just brilliant. I bet you never lose an argument on your show?
Amy: No, we never do, Goodnight Mumia. I am glad to hear that you are not going to be executed for NOT KILLING that fascist, racist, trigger-happy police officer. What was his name again?
Mumia: Amy, his name is not important. It is all about ME!!!
Goodnight Amy, thanks for having me.
Amy: Our next guest is one of the great heroes to the progressive movement, the man, the myth, and the legend, Fidel Castro.
Good evening President Castro.
Fidel: Please, call me Fidel, would you like a cigar?
Amy: No thanks, Fidel, I don't smoke, and I am sorry to hear about your recent illness.
Fidel: Oh Amy, it really hurt.
Amy: Really? How bad?
Fidel: Oh really bad. I feel like that red haired girl who tried to stop the bulldozer with her face.
Amy: Wow, that bad? Sorry to hear that.
Fidel: But don't worry Amy, my brother will continue on with my work while I am laid up here.
Amy: Good to know that. You know Fidel, I think that if Americans knew how well Cubans lived; they would build homemade rafts and brave shark infested waters and try to sneak into Cuba. And East Germans would rebuild the Berlin Wall to keep imperialists out of their worker's paradise. And don't forget about Zimbabwe. Mr. Mugabe has done such a good job there, preventing obesity in his homeland.
And did you know, our whole website is translated into Spanish? We do this as a public service for Cubans living in the United States. We keep them updated on your glorious revolution.
Fidel: Thanks Amy, I have devoted my life to this work. But I do have one question for you?
Amy: Yes Fidel?
Fidel: Why has the progressive movement been so good to me, after I have killed and tortured so many people?
Amy: It's simple Fidel; the progressives have different standards for different races and ethnic groups.
Fidel: How does that work?
Amy: Well, white people must declare their commitment to non-violence.
African-American activists are allowed to scream, "NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE" and " BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY".
Central American revolutionaries are allowed to kill imperialists anywhere they find them.
And of course Arabs can crash planes into buildings and blame it on Jewish Republicans.
That is how white peace activists can wear "CHE" t-shirts.
In fact, our organization is calling for a worldwide ban on white people wearing uniforms of any kind. Whenever they do, bad things always happen.
Fidel: Wow, it's amazing how you see things.
Amy: Yes. I see things very well. My father was an ophthalmologist, just like my dear friend, peace activist Bashir al-Assad, the honorable president of Syria. And another thing you will notice. On our website you can read how the Rwandan genocide was the fault of a short, fat Jewish woman named Madeline Albright, who has never actually been to Rwanda. And the political problems in Nigeria are caused by a bunch of rich, white oil execs. And I almost had an orgasm when I was talking about William Lee Brent, a recently deceased former black panther who shot two white, fascist, racist police officers in a multinational owned gas station and then hijacked a plane to Cuba. It was full of American imperialists or what Neo-conservatives euphemistically refer to as "innocent airline passengers". Now THAT is what I call PEACE ACTIVISM!!!!!
One of the rules of our Marxist religion is that we never criticize non-white people no matter what they do, except Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. He is way too close to the white people. Everything they do wrong is the fault of white people, a legitimate reaction to the actions of white people, or not as bad as the actions of white people far away. We call that, "Moral equivalence".
Fidel: Amy, I am just speechless.
Amy: You should be, this is my life's work. And I hope your recovery goes well, so you can continue the revolution against imperialism.
Fidel: Thanks Amy. It's always nice to hear from you. Goodnight.
Amy: Our last guest is the esteemed leader of the Taliban and Al-Queda, a man who needs no introduction, THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND, Mr. Osama Bin Laden.
Amy: Ladies and gentlemen, that is all the time we have tonight. I would like to thank all our special guests.
On next week's show, we will tell why all Americans should stop worrying about their own problems and devote all their time to the problems of East Timor. And if you don't know where that is, it's because you didn't go to Harvard, like I did. All you need to know that is was all caused by a short fat Jew named Henry Kissinger. He is responsible for every bad thing that has happened in this world in the last 40 years. This is the cornerstone of our progressive philosophy that non-white people have no responsibility to live like human beings.
This is Amy Goodman, goodnight and peace.
Legal notice: This website posting is a parody of the Democracy Now TV show and website. None of the people mentioned in this parody participated in any way to its content. Ms. Goodman has published several books on politics and history and is a host of a weekly television show discussing her political opinion. This makes her a "public figure" under American law.
(Put that in your Berkeley hash pipe and smoke it).
Rachel Golem blogs at http://www.rachelgolem.com. She specializes in satire. Email her at email@example.com and visit her website:
http://www.rachelgolem.com/ She writes, "If you enjoyed this web-parody please forward it to a few hundred of your closest friends. Also, feel free to link it to your website at: www.RachelGolem.com"
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